The Pseudo-Intimacy Game

 

 

 I normally don’t watch a lot of television. I have so many exciting things going on in my life that watching television for hours on end just seems like such a waste of time to me.   I do, however, like to have some background noise on when I ‘m working on my laptop. So there I was at 11:00pm, sitting on my sofa last Thursday (24th April) evening with my laptop (I know, get a life!), tweaking some bits on my new website when the television caught my ear – Channel Five was about to broadcast A Girls Guide to 21st Century Sex. 

 

 

Well, what can I say – I was compelled to watch this. So I quickly shut off my laptop, put it away and I spent the next 45 minutes learning about group sex, sex toys, the ‘X’ position, mummifying and some awful skin disorder that affects the genital area – I can’t even remember what it was called – not nice!

 

Even more suprising to me was that this programme is classified under the category of health. Can you believe it! Having lived in Scandinavia and Germany where I have spent some time in nude sauna’s and topless on beaches, I wouldn’t classify myself as a prude but some of the images on this programme, I’m sure, would have been considered pornographic just a few years ago. Anyway. . . more to the point.

 

 

I was struck by one young woman who was being interviewed about how she got into group sex, and about her views and experiences of group sex. She was very candid and seemed a very likeable person. She got into the group sex scene after she had gone through a divorce at a time where, from what I gathered about what she said, she was feeling a bit low on confidence, and wasn’t feeling particularly desirable or ‘wanted.’

 

This woman, a ‘middle age housewife’ as she was described by the presenter, was telling the audience how wonderful it was to go to these venues, to get compliments about how great she looked and to be in a situation where she knew that men wanted her. “They want me,” she said. “They’ll do anything to have me. It’s such an ego boost.”

 

As she was speaking, I just couldn’t help but wonder if she wasn’t really confused about real intimacy and pseudo intimacy? She also seemed to need this external validation – ‘they’ll do anything to have me’ – to affirm her belief in her own sense of self-worth – ‘it’s such an ego boost’. 

 

While you may not approve of what this individual was involved in, what she was doing was what most of us do at least some of the time – we seek the approval of others. How we go about it might be different to how this woman chose to go about it, but the process is based on the same foundation – a belief that I need others to approve of me. Seeking approval has become so much a part of our lives that it’s automatic and we don’t even realise we are doing it. And just in case you think this doesn’t apply to you and before you skip the rest of this article, have think about this:

  

Have you ever:

 

Not spoken up in a meeting at work or at a conference or when out with a group

               of  people, even though you wanted to?

 

Found yourself pretending to be interested in someone when you really weren’t

    interested?

 

Found yourself in a new relationship bending your likes and dislikes to suit their

   likes and dislikes?

 

Ever found yourself saying yes, when you wanted to say no?

 

Made excuses, explained or justifed yourself for an action you took or for a decision you made?

 

            Do you:

 

                        Find that you regularly interrupt people during a discussion?

 

                        Find yourself tuning out while someone is talking and just pretend to listen?

 

                        Find that you regularly dominate a conversation?

 

                        Spend a lot of time thinking about the image you want to project to others – what

                           clothes you wear, the car you drive, the places you hang out, the people you rub

   shoulders with?

 

Maybe you find that you are more subtle in seeking approval:

 

           Are two of your favorite words, ‘but’ and ‘because’ so that if you think you might

              have a different view from others, you can do a 180 degree turn in the middle of 

              the sentence:

 

“ I loved that movie (then noticing they don’t agree) ‘but it was way too long.”

 

 

 

We all fall into the Seeking Approval Syndrome sometime, and some of you have become so used to this you don’t even realise it. In my ebook I will share with you why this will never work. In fact, in trying so hard to earn love, you stop yourself from ever allowing yourself to receive it!

 

The woman being interviewed about group sex certainly fell into this trap. She based her view of herself and her sense of self on others – on their reactions and their behaviours towards her. Basing your sense of self on others is a dangerous business – what happens when they go or when they change their mind? When you rely on others to determine your value or worth, you are giving away your power. So while this woman felt liberated by taking part in group sex, what she didn’t realise was that her self esteem was really now a prisoner of it.

 

 

 

The second issue, in my view, is that this woman was equating sex with intimacy. I don’t think she was unusual in this. My belief is that there is more misunderstanding and heartbreak due to the assumption that intimacy and sex are synonymous. 

 

While sex and intimacy can and do occur together, they are also very separate experiences and ironically, sex can be the very act that gets in the way of the development of true intimacy. It can be the very thing that allows individuals to avoid real intimacy and this can be a real trap for singles.

 

From the modern dating culture, to the proliferation of books convincing you that sex gets you love and relationships, to the messages from the songs you hear and the movies you watch, you get subtly lured into a belief that sex equates to intimacy. What so many singles end up experiencing, however, is a pseudo-intimate experience. They experience what appears to look like an intimate encounter but without the emotional intimacy. Genuine intimacy grows over time. Pseudo-intimacy wanes over time which is why people seem to flit in and out of relationships all the time. Sex sells, it may get you a date but on it’s own it is not real intimacy.

 

While I’m not condemning sex without intimacy, it becomes a problem when you are looking for real intimacy and get caught in the pseudo-intimacy game. And a real tragedy, is when you then settle for this because you think this is as good as it gets!

 

The ‘commitment phobic’ is especially good at playing the pseudo-intimacy game and if you are looking for real intimacy, you must know how to recognise a commitment phobic before you experience the pain of getting in too deep. If you are wanting real intimacy and not finding it, it could be that you are a commitment phobic yourself.     For more on commitment phobia and understanding how you might be getting in your own way of finding real love and intimacy,

 see my blog: Commitment Phobia – A Modern Malady. Likewise, in my forthcoming e-book I will share with you the 7 levels of intimacy and how you can differentiate between real intimacy and pseudo-intimacy so you can recognise it before you become heartbroken.

 

If you are looking for real love, if you are looking for true intimacy you must understand the difference, recognise and distinguish between the real thing and the pseudo versions. You owe it to yourself!!

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