Finding Your Ideal Partner

How Do You Find Your Ideal Partner?

"How do you predict who you will spend the rest of your life with," was the burning question Dawn Porter, a journalist from London was asking herself.  Dawn, 28, who featured in this BBC programme on Thursday night (6th March) , had not been in a serious relationship for the past four years and was concerned that her ideal relationship had not yet materialised.  She had just come from a meeting  with her relationship coach. 

At the end of their conversation, Michael, Dawn's relationship coach, suggested that Dawn had absolutely no clue as to what kind of man she really wanted and so he left her with the task of 'designing her ideal man.'

The rest of the programme found Dawn defining her ideal man and then creating a series of 'scientific' tests to assess her candidates against the checklist she had created. 

Dawn's criteria for her ideal man included five criteria:  his looks, his intelligence, how he smelled, how well he danced and having great sex.   

After undergoing a series of tests and being scored for each test, three men with the overall top three scores were announced as semi finalists and then finally the man with the overall highest score was named the 'winner' and Dawn and Jason lived happily ever after.  .   .   

Well that was how the story was supposed to end but unfortunately, for Dawn, it didn't end that way.   Jason, the winner, couldn't wait to go to the pub to tell his mates that he had won the contest, and Dawn was left standing on her own, having to sheepishly admit that she did not feel any connection what so ever with Jason.

Despite this 'scientific' approach Dawn was still not able to find her ideal man - what was wrong?  If this doesn't work, how on earth do you go about finding your ideal partner?

The problem, as I see it, is that there were several false premises that both the relationship coach and Dawn were coming to the table with.

The Relationship Coach: The first false premise, as I see it, was the coach's belief that because Dawn liked being single, she was therefore, in his words, "not fit to be in a relationship."  It was interesting to note how, Michael was probing to find out whether Dawn was aware that she might have some narcisstic' aspects in her behaviours. Was he linking narcissim with liking being single?   

Secondly, the coach believed that Dawn might be placing too high a priority on her career.  Earlier in the programme, Dawn's friend and colleague, Kate, a 41 year old single, childless author, also voiced a similar sentiment, saying,  "If you want a career, a man and a child something has to give."

In my view both these are limiting beliefs.  It doesn't take rocket science to know that people who have 'narcisst' traits, tendencies or personalities are not having successful relationships with themselves - this isn't reserved for people who like being single.

Being single is not the problem .  Believe me, there are plenty of people in relationships who are narcisstic - it's usually their very unhappy partners that present in my office!  So it's not about enjoying being single that is the problem - it's about the kind of relationship you have with yourself that is the problem.

You see, if you don't have a good relationship with yourself, this will be reflected in the relationships you attract and it will be also be mirrored in the quality of the relationships you have. 

Too many people go into a relationship with the belief that 'two halves make a whole. ' You know the, "I would feel better about myself, if only I were in a relationship" syndrome. The truth is, it takes two 'whole people' to make for a successful relationship.

Successful singles, those who have a good relationship with themselves, are the perfect candidates for having successful relationships.

Secondly, where does the belief come from that one must choose between career, partner and child? I did wonder whether Michael would have suggested the same thing to a man.  In the executive coaching I do, I can't think of one of those executives who holds this belief that he has to choose between career, partner and having children.  In fact, most if not all of the men I work with have the career, the wife and the chldren!  If you believe you can have it all, then you can - and there are plenty of men and women out there who are doing it!

To his credit I did think Michael was right when he said he believed that Dawn had no clue as to what she wanted in a man.  I would however, have taken it further than that.  I don't think Dawn really knew who she was about.  If you don't know who you are about and where you are headed and what your life is really about, it's pretty damned near impossible to really know what you want in a partner and in a relationship!

Dawn, single and 28: Firstly, did you notice the list of criteria Dawn laid out for her 'ideal man'?  Her criteria were very much based on 'externals' - looks, intelligence, smells, dancing and sex.  There was nothing based on 'internals' - values, beliefs, purpose, hopes, wishes and dreams, yet it is at the level of values, beliefs and purpose that distinguishes successful relationships from the rest.  It is at this level that you experience true intimacy.

People it seems do have a genuine confustion between about sex and true intimacy.  Dawn had been accepted as a member of the beautiful peoples.net club.  As Dawn was speaking to the founder of the club, he said  "out of a shag comes true love."   I'm hearing this and thinking, he doesn't really believe this does he?  If this were true then statistically there should be a whole lot more true love around, because there certainly is a lot of 'shagging' going around!!  The stats, however, don't seem to support this theory!  Good sales ploy however!! 

Secondly, Dawn's lack of success, I believe was also partly a result of some limiting beliefs she was holding on to.  At one point, in her discussion with her coach, she said, "If you have a picture in your head (of your ideal man) you restrict yourself."  Now to me, it's like saying, I want to go to Greece for holiday but if I have a picture of my ideal holiday I'm restricting myself.  Well, yes and no.  Yes, you restrict yourself but firstly, you won't end up somewere you don't want to be. And secondly, no you don't restrict yourself because in fact, you will more than likely get closer to what you do want! 

The other 'flaw' with this belief is that Dawn is inadvertantly coming from a position of 'scarcity.'  The thinking goes like this,  "if I get 'too picky' I restrict myself, and there certainly aren't many out there like that so I better lower my standards and not be too picky!"  Ask any successful person if they aimed for higher or lower goals.  If you aim for less, you get less.  If you aim for more, you get more - it's that simple.

At the end of the programme Dawn was left to rethink her whole strategy of how to find her ideal partner.  I can't help but wonder what her new approach might be. 

It's so easy to get hooked into the popular ideas about dating, love and how to find your ideal partner.  The stuff out there on the market these days sounds easy and exciting.  I seriously question, however, whether they lead to 'true love.'  Let the stats speak for themself.

My advice is very simple, if what you are doing isn't working - try something different!